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Thread: Deadly erection causing spider found in Lidl

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    Dangerous Dilettante
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    The Morningstarr* Deadly erection causing spider found in Lidl

    It's not actually been confirmed, but sounds like the Brazilian wandering spider is the prime candidate.

    A shopper at a branch of Lidl in Sydenham got the fright of his life this morning when he picked up a bunch of bananas and found a great big hairy spider clinging to them.

    Mark Drinkwater told local press he was shitting it after almost handling the “threatening-looking” arachnid. He simply wanted a few bananas to gobble on when he had the unexpected thrill of almost being bitten by a potentially deadly eight-legged creep.

    “I went to the fruit a vegetable area and picked up some bananas.” Mr Drinkwater explained.

    “I started to pick them apart and then I realised there was a tarantula hanging from the side of the bananas. It was the size of the palm of my hand. It was hairy. It was scary enough.”

    “I shook the banana and the tarantula fell back into the box.”

    Mark said he wasn’t all that scared at the time, but he was bagging it later.

    “At the time I didn’t panic, I was relatively calm, but later I could feel my heart beating through my chest.”

    “They look quite threatening. Of all the spiders it is one of the more threatening-looking ones.”

    Quick-thinking staff members moved fast to trap the unidentified arachnid in a plastic container, they then murdered it by placing it in a freezer.

    “I can confirm that an as yet unidentified spider was discovered at our Sydenham store this morning.” A Lidl spokesperson said.

    “The spider was contained by members of our staff and placed in a food waste disposal freezer so as to ensure the safety of our customers. The RSPCA have been informed and we are awaiting recommendations from their staff.”

    A likely candidate for the spider which Mark discovered is the deadly and ferocious Brazilian wandering spider, also known as the banana spider due to its usual habitat. Because the nasty critter lives in banana trees it can occasionally turn up in supermarkets around the world hiding in amongst the fruit. Its bite causes intense pain, loss of muscle control, and finally death from asphyxiation. The venom is also known to cause priapism, a potentially painful medical condition, in which the erect penis does not return to its flaccid state for hours on end. Sadly the sufferer probably wouldn’t get a chance to use his final boner.

    In recent months the deadly erection spiders have turned up in supermarket fruit aisles in Liverpool, Coventry and Edinburgh.
    Massive spider discovered in London supermarket | The Morningstarr*

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    Registered Member Smasher's Avatar
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    Default Re: Deadly erection causing spider found in Lidl

    theyd have to get you an extra deep coffin...

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