Gus the Fox - Agony Column

[jools182]

Dear Gus

It's my 10 year anniversary coming up with my wife. What should I get her for a gift?

Sven Wright

		February marked 10 years of friendship between myself and Martin Clunes. He celebrated the occasion by booting me into the canal and calling me a fat bender. Classic Clunes. I don't know what you should get her really Sven. According to your archaic rules, a 10 year anniversary is also known as a tin anniversary. If she's anything at all like old Gus then she'd probably be over the moon with a tin of sausages in brine.

Dear Gus,

I have quite a busy life, work hard and don't drink coffee or anything yet I find it really hard to get to sleep. Got a tips for a good nights kip?

Nick

		Well I sleep in a bin full of wasps next to one of the busiest intersections in London, so I wouldn't know much about getting a good nights sleep either. A few weeks ago me and my mate Violent Clive ate a bag of rancid ham out of a skip behind Cash Converters. I don't know what was wrong with it but it made us both go bonkers. Violent Clive ate his own legs and I crawled under a Nissan Almera and travelled through time. We ended up staying awake for about 80 consecutive hours. I was pretty convinced that my heart was going to explode after about 50. I'd probably recommend murdering a few hens. That usually tuckers me out.

Dear Agony Fox

About a year ago I lost my job but I didn't tell my wife. I've been pretending to go to work and hiding in the woods. Now I'm in a massive amount of debt. What should I do? I'm really worried.

Matthew Haydock

		Hi Matthew. The other day me and my friend Violent Clive went to Hackney City Farm because we'd heard a rumor about a horse with really fat legs. When we got there we were not disappointed. It looked like this horse had gout. It's legs were so fat that it moved like a knackered robot and for some reason, every time it tried to neigh, it fell over because it was so ill. We watched it for about three or four hours. As we were going home we saw a pig run into an electric fence and shit itself. We laughed so much that we both got nosebleeds. It was the best day ever. I know that doesn't really help with your question. Sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle. Best of luck.

Gus The Fox: Agony Column - Cool Stuff - ShortList Magazine

http://gusthefox.bigcartel.com/category/b-a-d-g-e-s

[jools182]

Gus,

Our Sunday League team had a woeful season last season. As we prepare for the kick-off of our 2012/13 games we’re at loggerheads on what formation to play. Is the wing back system really dead?

Gavin

		This question got me thinking about my mate Sexy Chris (an owl) who got a picture of Kurt Cobain tattooed on his wing back a few weeks ago. Despite the fact that it makes him look like a fucking tosser it also got a bit infected and now he smells like a whore's underpants. Also the feathers won't grow back so when he takes off he can't fly in a straight line. The other day he flew off a post box and smashed straight into the side of a bus shelter. Me and my mate Vile Clive laughed so hard that our claws fell out and our feet started bleeding. I don't really follow football because I have four legs and I live in a bin with a moth called Dennis Bennett. I once met a goose called Liam Finger who told me that the only reason geese fly in formation is for a bit of a laugh. He said he finds the whole thing a bit embarrassing because all the other birds think they're a bunch of cshit. That's literally the only thing I know about formations. Hope that helps.

[jools182]

My iPhone 3 has conked out for the last time so I'm in the market for a top new phone. What's good these days?
Nirmal

		I don't have a phone so I'm not going to be a lot of help. I use the internet on Martin Clunes' PC when he goes out to his paper round. The only phones I know about are the red ones that stink of p*ss. Me and Emma Bunton spent all of Christmas Day together in a phone box last year. We spent the day licking ketchup off the window pains and looking at all the pictures of girls with their tits out. She said it was the worst Christmas ever and started crying. I thought it was alright. Hope this helps.

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Gus the Fox

[jools182]

So I don’t seem to command any respect in the office. Even though I manage three people, they just come in whenever they want and don’t work very hard.

How can I get more respect??

Caroline

		People start paying attention when you take members of their family hostage. Kidnap Gary's wife and tell him that you'll fucking shoot her in her fat face if he doesn't buck his ideas up. Make sure you kidnap a loved one though. I tell you what's a fool's errand, kidnapping a slug. Waste of time. Literally no one gives a shit. I've learnt that one the hard way. Also, people will start taking you more seriously if you carry a sword around the office. Hope this is of some use.

[jools182]

Gus,

I saw my mates girlfriend out a few months ago. I've always had a bit of a thing for her and it turns out the feeling is mutual.

Anyway we ended up doing the dirty. Twice. I like this girl, so do I see her on the quiet or man up and have a chat with my mate?

Andrew

		This is a no brainer isn't it? If you tell your mate then he's likely to beat seven shades of shit out of you isn't he? I'd probably keep it a secret and carry on bumming his Mrs.

[jools182]

Hi Gus,

My Greek neighbour has a habit of putting a stuffed fox on the roof of his car whenever he parks the car in his driveway. Thought you might like to know.

John (in Canada)

		Nope

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		AN EXTRACT FROM chapter one of MY EROTIC NOVEL : NOT REALLY GOT A TITLE YET. IT'LL PROBABLY BE SOMETHING QUITE ABSTRACT AND, SORT OF, POETIC. IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU PICTURE A MINGE IN YOUR MIND'S EYE (OR EVEN A GREAT BIG COCK AND BALLS). I WANT THE FRONT COVER TO BE OF ME, SAT IN A SHED, STIFF AS A POST AND LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW AT A MAN IN DUNGAREES BUMMING A HERON UP AGAINST A TREE OR SOMETHING. (I'D ALSO LIKE THE FRONT COVER TO BE DONE IN COLOURING PENCILS BY SOMEONE WHO, THOUGH NOT SHIT AT ART, WOULDN'T GET, SAY, MUCH MORE THAN A GRADE 'C' IN THEIR A -LEVEL ART EXAM). CHAPTER 1 '...She looked at me vacantly from behind the bins. Under the dull, flickering glare of the street lights she silently licked some leftover yoghurt out an old Crunch Corner that was covered in bees. She looked distant, as though a piece of her had been lost. Occasionally when the headlights of a passing car rolled past and illuminated her face, she would look over at me knowingly. She could tell I was staring at her but she didn't seem to mind. She craved the attention. This was the first time I'd ever met Brenda Stout, and, even though we were in a dank alley behind Greggs in Dalston, she was, without doubt, the most beautiful fox I'd ever seen. If I'd have known that three days later I'd be banging her from behind with my pork sword until her arsehole looked like a sandblasted tomato then I think I'd have fallen down with joy and wept right there and then. For now however, it was time to turn on the charm. I walked over to her all smooth 'n' that and told her a funny story about my penis. She cackled so hard that she farted , startling a cat and making it fall off a Ford Mondeo...' I can't help worrying about this bloody title. i keep thinking that there's got to be something in the fact that cunning and cunnilingus sound so similar ... something like 'cunnilingus as a fox' or something maybe. but then i'm thinking that 'fox' rhymes with 'cocks' as well and i'd quite like to, sort of, get that in there as well.

[jools182]

		10 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 1 - Stop growling at motorbikes. It's a waste of time. 2 - Clean some of the corpses out of the corner of the old pit. The smell keeps making guests vomit all over the lovely crockery. 3 - Spend a little bit less time staring at testicles and weeping. I know they're in a right old state and look like a sand blasted tomato but there's not much that can be done about that now. Time to pick yourself up and move on. Get a new hobby / go for a little jog. Anything to take your mind off those wretched bollocks. 4 - See a bit less of Martin Clunes. 5 - Stop getting married to moths. (This shouldn't be that difficult. Concentrate. You can do this.) 6 - Start being a bit more honest with people. If Sexy Chris turns up wearing leather trousers again then don't just smile politely, tell him he looks like a fucking cunt. Urge him to take his own life. 7 - Break it off with Emma Watson. There's no sexual chemistry and you both know it. 8 - Murder more hens 9 - Eat more/some fruit 10 - Stop moonwalking every time you see Bunty Hoven. She's not impressed and last time you did it you fell off the shed roof and she thought you were a fucking bell end.

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		THINGS THAT I'VE PUT IN MY MOUTH IN THE PAST 24 HOURS 1 - My paw 2 - My tail 3 - You know those little taps you get on the side of some houses? I think they're probably for a garden hose or something. Little brass tap. Well anyway, I put one of them in my gob and then I put it in my bum. 4 - Lamb (ancient / rank) - I found this in the boot of Gary Barlow's Land Rover. (Under the kites) 5 - A cygnet* 6 - Julian Blanch (a moth) 7 - Old bread (Hovis, Best of Both - Expiry date 29/10/12) 8 - My left ball/nut - i.e the one that isn't black and revolting and doesn't smell like the end of the world. 9 - Tent pegs / porridge 10 - Wood lice (32 of the bastards) 11 - An AC adaptor for a Panasonic KX T1418 2 Cassette Remote Answering machine. 12 - Clunes / Martin Clunes (fist/ears/tongue) 13- Rats 14 - Wax (I set my head on fire doing this one - Hahahhahahahaha) 15- A couple of hours ago I, sort of, licked the exhaust pipe of a van. Does that count? Does that count? I suppose it's my list. Yeah, I licked the exhaust pipe at the back of the van (Citroen Berlingo) and it tasted like soot and I got a bit of an erection and I started crying. It was weird. Won't be making that mistake again. *Owen Cromwell