Post of the Day

**FreeBBC** · 08-05-2009, 08:53

have a wonderful day benny boy

**Earl** · 08-05-2009, 17:44

That was funny.

**Ben** · 08-05-2009, 19:04

It was.

I wish I'd seen it wherever he posted it instead of in this one.

**Alpha** · 08-05-2009, 19:04

In the good morning thread.

**Ben** · 08-05-2009, 19:09

Thanks Ralphy.

**Zombie Mastermind** · 03-08-2009, 01:33

UPDATE!!!

Astronomers have just spotted a dirty brown smudge on Uranus!

**Ernest Rants** · 07-08-2009, 22:25

Remember this anyone?

The Chronicles of Ern. An epic tale of many parts that may last an eternity or fizzle out quick cos’ we all get bored.

Part 1 Into the MFI Wardrobe.

Ern. Was having his usual good time trying to do some DIY.

Assembling the crappy chipboard monolith, which should take the shape of a wardrobe, had resulted in many an expletive. 3 ‘’Fs’’ 2 ‘’Cs’’ and a ‘’W‘’, and can I have a ‘’P’’ Please Bob?

It finally dawned on Ern that the vital piece., that would make it all come together, was sitting on the factory floor. Somewhere in Indonesia.

In a fit of rage that could only be matched by Elton John going thru’ customs, he smashes his way through the back of the wardrobe……………….

(Sound effect from ancient Goon show )

Ern entered Narnia.

Narnia turned round and smacked Ern on the hooter.

On line-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2 Nirvana

Ern awoke with a sense of complete and utter well-being. Not sure of his surroundings, or of his state of mind, he just knew things in the world had never been better. The birds sing sweetly in the trees. It is warm, but a fresh cool breeze soothed his tingling skin. People who pass by all smile and say hello. Everyone is warm, caring and thoughtful to others. Children play freely in the streets, without a care in the world. There is just a complete aura of utopia. You can hear Louis Armstrong singing ‘What a wonderful world’.

Ern’s Nottingham Forest Football team is the best soccer team in the world. Managed by the winged and haloed, Saint Peter Taylor and Christ-like, Brian Clough, they stuff Manchester Utd four nil at Old Trafford, and win back to back European cups (they still go out to Accrington Stanley in the Third round of the FA cup. Could never win that bugger even in this parallel dimension.)

The Beatles had reformed and were touring properly, doing 2 hour gigs not the 30 minutes they used to get away with.

It was bliss.

Ern had a stirring in his ‘Little General‘, that had not seen any decent action for many a year.

Every night he falls asleep on two warm, soft cushions.

They turn out to be Scarlett Johansson breasts, winners of many an Oscar.

She would wake him gently in the morning, with sweet caresses and kisses, and tells him what a fantastic lover he is and how he is hung like a wild appaloosa stallion.

Yes he was in Nirvana,

and many other terrific bands, he could play the guitar better than Hendrix/Clapton/Bert Weedon rolled into one. His voice is the voice of a God, sweet but powerful with the resonance of a full male voice choir.

He has a license to kill.

He has more pulling power than Johnny Depp/Orlando Bloom/James Masters rolled into one.

He will pilot the space shuttle to Mars.

He writes even better episodes of Dr Who.

He teaches Yoda how to use the force.

He brings peace to the Middle East.

He makes Tony Blair popular!

He is a demigod!!!

Lo, he still only manages 2nd place on X factor.

The girl with the heart condition and the rest of the family dying of chronic bird flu beats him by one vote.

Little did Ern Know things where to change out of all recognition.

One morning he awoke not upon Scarlett Johansson warm, soft boobage, winners of many academy awards.

No.

Today was different.

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Part 3 Machine coding

Ern is vaguely aware of the distant sounds of long forgotten whisperers. A fusion of ancient scriptures, in long forgotten languages. Java script, Dos, visual basics, HTML and machine coding. A mass of confusion penetrates his cranium. White noise and static flood his awaking consciousness in a jumble of recurring equations, calculus, sines, cosines and tangents. For the first time in his life he wished he’d stopped on into the sixth form. Deep from his inner being from the deep recesses of the part of his brain that he uses to process pornographic imagery.

He hears.

‘’Ern, we need you.

Wake up Ern,

we need you, in the real, really, real reality, really we do‘’.

louder

Wake up Ern,

we need you, in the real, really, real reality, really we do‘’.

And louder

Wake up Ern,

we need you, in the real, really, real reality, really we do‘’.

‘’Ern’’

. ‘’Tea Ern.’’

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Part 4 Gemma Peal

Ern rouses, discombobulated, to a feeling of sickness, nausea, disorientation, and a very sore a bum.

He feels sticky and uncomfortable.

This as it transpires is due to the fact that he is in a vat of sticky goo.

(The type of stuff Noel Edmonds used to tip over the general public and minor celebrities in the name of light entertainment. Oh, how we laughed)

He scrambles around in the goo trying to find his glasses.

He is naked and cold and his wedding tackle back to how it was before Nirvana.

(But bear in mind that the goo is very cold, it does have it’s better days.)

There are scart leads plugged into the back of his head the base of his spine and one up his bum, hence the sore bottom.

(Yes folks plagiarism will play a big part in this epic. If we do continue on this quest it will more than likely be down a path that is made of brick that is yellow in colour.)

Because off his myopic state he can not clearly make out the personage, who is releasing him from the vat of gooey stuff.

If he could he would have seen,

Gemma Peal.

She is resplendent in a shiny, tight fitting, leather cat suit, like Diana Rigg once wore in the Avengers. It clings to her womanly curves like a second skin and leaves little doubt that what lays beneath is fit well toned and capable of devastating a man in many, many different ways.

She cuts a figure, not unlike a young Diana Rigg but with better boobs, more like Scarlett Johansson’s, and an ass like Jennifer Lopez’s was, before hers started to sag.

She has the poise and demeanour of a Xena Warrior Princess. (The only thing lacking was the cute little sidekick. Who would make their sexual orientation a thing young schoolboys could have yummy fantasies about) but even without this indicator, you kind of get the feeling this is not a girl to mess with. Many a guy who have ‘tried it on’ are hobbling around on crutches, faces rearranged and taking food by way of a drip. You feel it would take one hell of a man to take liberties with her. Even James Bond from the ‘Goldfinger’ era would have trouble turning this ‘Pussy Galore’.

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Part 5 Escape from the goo

Ern locates his glasses and puts them on.

He still cannot see well, because the goo is still dribbling from him.

Gemma has pulled the scarts out, with clinical efficiency. Ern hardly felt a thing. Just the one out the bum gives him a bit of a cheap thrill.

Gemma is briskly towelling him off, totally disinterested in his naked form

(Though as we well know, if she was towelling off a naked Johnny Depp she would not have been impressed.).

Ern finally is becoming aware of his new surroundings. It is a typical scary Futuristc/Sci-fi/fantasy film setting. Rows of metal platforms seeming to go on forever. Slippy metal stairways connecting one to another. Shiny glistening rubber tubes going who knows where. Corrugated iron structures, slightly corroded, served no purpose but added to the overall ambience of the place. Electric cables hang limply from the conduit, moisture dripping on it, sending off showers of sparks. There is low droning hum of which only Powergen will be chuffed. The lighting has an eerie neon glow, the fluorescent tubes flicking wildly, that gives you a feeling of inherent danger. There is also a strong smell of percoethylene fumes, which bring back unhappy memories to Ern. All in all it’s a complete and utter health and safety hazard.

At this point Ern is wishing he was back in Nirvana. His head buried in Scarlett Johansson Breasts going blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.

He is shaken from this reverie by Gemma trying to convey important information to him.

‘’I am Gemma Peal, I have been sent by Edam Burntnut the leader of the SBS-07 freedom fighters. He has prophesised that you are the one to save us from the Spider spy bots, the evil DS-05 Galactic Corps. and the dreaded Apafee.’’

Ern, still yearning for the comforting breasts of Johansson,

does start to take in the jumble of instructions Gemma is firing at him.

He is still unsteady on his feet and tumbles into Gemma’s hard, firm body,

He knows in an instant that there was no way his head would ever get between those and go blub, blub. She steadies him up, and gives him a bathrobe to put on.

‘’We have to get out of here, the whole place is about to blow’’ says Gemma.

Ern, in no fit state to argue with such an Amazonian, tries in vain to keep up with her. Puffing and panting Ern manages about ten yards. Gemma looks back and with a shrug of the shoulders, and a look that says all men are useless, goes back for the wheezing Ern, throws him over her shoulder and heads fast for the exit.

If for one second she had time to look back, she may have noticed the vat,

next to the one she pulled Ern from, was labelled Ern. Inside it lay a comatose figure of a true athlete, six pack and bulging biceps, a fine figure of a man. Good looking, rugged, handsome type, also a brain the size of a planet. In fact he could have been Keanu Reeves’s twin brother. Yes, due to an unforeseen clerical cock up, the SBS-07 where to be very disappointed.

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Part 6 Nerve Centre

Gemma, lobs Ern in the back of her Hover car. It is a real cool thing, the reddest of red, red, yes really redder than you could ever imagine, with white go faster stripes. On the back bumper a sticker reads, ’How many men does it take, to change a light bulb?, They can’t, they are all fu*king useless‘.

They whiz off through a labyrinth of super hyper freeways, touching 250mph at times the scenery is just a blur.

Then they reach the M25 and it’s nose to tail for 2 hours.

Finally they arrive at their destination. It is part of what remains of the Dartford Tunnel. It was badly damaged in the short lived war we had with France. It all kicked off over the cost of their footballers/football managers, we won of course but the premiership was never the same again.

Ern, still wheezing and now in need of a toilet, follows Gemma into the complex built into the remaining structure. They go through numerous doors which Gemma opens with some gizmo. Finally they reach a door labelled ‘Nerve Centre‘. Gemma presses the intercom and gives them the password. ‘’Edam Burntnut, he is a Adonis, we worship and adore him, all hail Burntnut’’.

Burntnut, would think up something like this everyday. He thought it was witty, the others just thought ‘what a nob head‘.

Inside Gemma introduces Ern to the rest of the team, Burntnut ,Trillian and Willian. Trillian and Willian are working away on laptops, P.C.s, Macs and other clever pieces of kit, Ern has no idea what they are doing but tries to look intelligent (but fails).

The room is festooned with wire, cables, monitors, computer discs scattered everywhere. Banks of databases, servers whirr away in the background.

Burntnut was at his desk, feet up on the table, chewing a pencil. He is dressed all in black. He wears cool black ray bans, but this is just to hide the fact he needs corrective lenses.

‘’Not quite what I was expecting,” says Edam, ‘’bit flabby, bit old, bit past it’’

Ern, thought ‘fair enough, but he ain’t no oil painting‘.

‘’Right let’s get him settled in get him some decent clothes, he looks like Arthur Dent’’

Ern, was taking in the frenzied activity in the office he noticed Trillian and Willian seemed to be like two peas in a pod. He also noticed when he tried to have playful banter with Trillian, Willian was very animated.

Ern, took to Trillian right away, but to be honest most men did. She is the kind of lass that moves like she is dancing to Latin rhythms; the dress she’s wearing seems to cling in all the right places and moves hypnotically with her swinging form. She is small in height but perfectly formed, everything is in perfect proportion. Willian is always in her shadow, like a rutting stag on Autumn watch. He is also small in stature but powerful built. He also moves and holds himself like a guy who knows he’s big in the place where it matters. Uncannily he has a look of a young Axel Rose.

Ern changes into the clothes that Gemma handed to him. The only problem seemed to be the sizing the chest, too loose, and the waist, too tight. They appear to be made for someone with a slightly better physique.

‘’Ok guys lets get him set up and see how he fares’’ says Edam

‘’start him with something easy at first, an early Sonic the Hedgehog will do’’

Gemma straps Ern into a chair that resembles a dentist chair, she puts sensors on his temples to measure his brain activity. She bangs the monitor when nothing much shows up, but soon realises it’s not the equipment, it’s working fine.

She inserts the scart into the back of Ern’s neck.

Ern is transported into the Master system mainframe, prancing along the 2D cartoony landscape like the gayest/campest owners of a website you could ever imagine, collect rings, no problem, jumps the gaps just missing having his goolies nipped off by the nasty fish, no problem, does a sonic spin into the robot birds, no problem. All is looking really good, he played this to death when he was 20 years younger. Alas, it all goes pear shaped, Robotnik takes him by surprise and kicks him in the nuptials, rings fly everywhere. Ern staggers to his feet and tries to evade the killer blow, Robotnik’s cannon ball takes Ern’s head clean off.

‘‘What the hell went wrong’’ Edam shouts in complete and utter frustration.

‘’That was the most basic format and he cocked it up’’

Ern feels like he has a hangover unknown to man, woman, or beast, since Ollie Reid hit the town with George Best, and Playme drank them all under the table.

The inside of his head feels like a million tiny hammers are banging away, like the male forum members trying to be the first to respond to an Autumn Breeze post.

The other members of the team can hardly stifle their giggles as Edam bangs his head on the table.

Edam calls the rest of the group to a crisis meeting in the adjacent boardroom, they all file in leaving Ern all alone.

Ern looks disconsolately around the room, when suddenly amongst all the electrical equipment he spots something familiar. It is a gleaming toaster with an integrated bun warmer. He happens upon a sliced loaf one of the guys had left ready for the lunch break, Ern feeling a bit peckish plugs in toaster, loads in the bread, presses down.

It went very dark.