The humour thread

[altyfc]

How do you make a cat go 'woof'...?



























Soak it in petrol and throw a match.

[Tweety]

new aussie safety footwear

[Tweety]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f**king her."
The boss says, "You f**k your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

[Tweety]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

[Tweety]

There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself,"Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake. What is the moral of the story?

Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...

[Victor29]

A blonde couple were found frozen to death outside a cinema - they had been waiting to see "Closed for the winter"!


A Manchester couple went to Spain on a self catering holiday. When they unpacked the woman found she hadn't packed her Bisto and loved to use it to make all her English dishes.
Looking out of the window she saw another couple moving into their chalet and she said to her husband, "They look English, go and see if they have any Bisto"
The husband went across to the neighbour's chalet and enquired, " 'Ast any Bisto?" To which the neighbour replied, "F**k off you foriegn b*****d!"

[SFB]

Bisto is crap, Oxo rules!

[Tweety]

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job in sales. 'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.
'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh Barras
anat,know?', nodded the young Weegie.
The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's
first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.
So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.
The Weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well,
how much was the sale for, anyway'?
£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey...
One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and
sixty four pence! What in Hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was
gawin' fishing, and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he'd need
a boat. So we went doon tae the boat department and Ah selt him thon
twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didnae think his wee Honda
Civic could pull it, so Ah took him doon tae car sales and Ah selt him
a dinky wee 4x4 Suzuki...'.
The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell
me....a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a
boat AND a four-by-four? '
'Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons furries missus
and Ah said........ ."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f****d, ye
might as well go fishin'..."'

[Victor29]

Originally Posted by SFB

Bisto is crap, Oxo rules!

But Bisto and Oxo are two completely different things.

[SFB]

Originally Posted by Victor29

But Bisto and Oxo are two completely different things.

Totally agreed Vic, OXO has a good flavour.