Ok, here you go, my short story ...

[online.education]

I've got to admit; it's a bit scary to show what I wrote to total strangers. Also showing a short story to total strangers is totally different from making a couple of blog entries on politics and what have you and posting them on the internet. But it's critical that I get some feedback, so ... here you go. The following is a snippet of my short story, and the link at the bottom links to the page that has the entire story posted. If anyone has enough free time to read this, I'd greatly appreciate it. Also please give me suggestions and feed back. If you find misspellings and grammatical errors, please let me know. If you have a comment or three on the story itself, please let me know. You make comments here in this forum, post comments on the page that this story is posted (you can do that easily) or ... give me input in whatever method you choose ...

I thank all readers in advance regardless of what they think about this story ...

Mary Anne Rose

1. ‘JAC / Just Another Coffeehouse’

‘JAC / Just Another Coffeehouse’ was a coffeehouse in Upper West Side, New York. The coffeehouse’s storefront was about 4 meters (13 feet) wide and stretched into its tenant building about 20 meters (66 feet) long. The coffeehouse had the raw concrete floor and the coffee bar was set up using plywood. A couple of different colors were used to paint the coffeehouse; blue, sky blue, light yellow and white. The coffeehouse had chairs and couches. Chairs had round seats and single legs; they were the kind of chairs that you saw in 60s style American diners, the kind of places that you ordered drinks and foods like coffee, milk shake, burgers and fries, French toasts, pancakes and cheese cakes. Those chairs were placed in the entrance half of the coffeehouse. Couches were placed in the far side of the coffeehouse from the entrance and there were one seater couches and two seater couches; they looked like used couches, but you couldn’t tell whether the coffeehouse bought used ones or they had used them for a long time, and, as a result, they looked used. Some could call the design of the coffeehouse ‘modern’, while others could call the same design ‘chaotic’. In the center of the coffeehouse was there a computer connected to the Internet. Many coffeehouses had similar setups, and this particular set up in ‘JAC’ was nothing unusual; the computer connected to the Internet was available to customers. Right next to the computer was there a one seater red couch, and that was where Mary Anne Rose sat.

...

Link: http://www.beyondkonspiracy.com/2007...ary-anne-rose/

[SFB]

The first and most obvious thing that hits me is overuse of the word coffeehouse/s, used at least 12 times in one paragraph.
Giving physical measurements of a building is of no real interest to this reader unless it is of great importance later.

So far it sounds like a description you might get from an estate agent.

Well you did ask?

[online.education]

Well you did ask?

I appreciate your input.

If you can give me a couple of specific examples on how I can edit this, it would be great ...

[A_B]

Ooh - thanks for being brave and posting it. I'll have a read later this evening when I have more time.

I'd agree with SFBs about the opening though. You tell us it's a coffeehouse in the first sentence, so that's already in the readers mind. You could just change 'coffeehouse' to 'it/it's' or leave it out completely a lot of the time without having to change the wording. It'll flow a lot better.

Here's what it would look like without changing any of the wording at all (just taking out some of the 'coffeehouses').

JAC / Just Another Coffeehouse’ was a coffeehouse in Upper West Side, New York. It's storefront was about 4 meters (13 feet) wide and stretched into its tenant building about 20 meters (66 feet) long. It had a raw concrete floor and the coffee bar was set up using plywood. A couple of different colors were used to paint it; blue, sky blue, light yellow and white. It had chairs and couches. Chairs had round seats and single legs; they were the kind of chairs that you saw in 60s style American diners, the kind of places that you ordered drinks and foods like coffee, milk shake, burgers and fries, French toasts, pancakes and cheese cakes. Those chairs were placed in the entrance half of the coffeehouse. Couches were placed in the far side from the entrance and there were one seater couches and two seater couches; they looked like used couches, but you couldn’t tell whether the coffeehouse bought used ones or they had used them for a long time, and, as a result, they looked used. Some could call the design of the coffeehouse ‘modern’, while others could call the same design ‘chaotic’. In the center there was a computer connected to the Internet. Many coffeehouses had similar setups, and this particular set up in ‘JAC’ was nothing unusual; the computer connected to the Internet was available to customers. Right next to the computer was there a one seater red couch, and that was where Mary Anne Rose sat.

I'll look forward to having a read of it.

[Ck]

I agree with Sfbs about the measurements and the use of the word 'coffeehouse'. I've had a fiddle and came up with the following >>>

JAC / Just Another Coffeehouse’ was a coffeehouse in Upper West Side, New York. It's storefront was magnificant with it's huge stretched panes of glass. Inside, you are greeted with a cold raw looking concrete floor and a decor of easy on the eye shades of blue, sky blue, light yellow and white. It had chairs and couches. The chairs had round seats and single legs, they were the kind of chairs that you saw in 60s style American diners, the kind of places that you ordered milk shake, burgers and fries, sometimes served to you by cheerleader stylee young girls on roller skates. Those chairs were placed in the entrance half of the coffeehouse. One and two seater couches were placed in the far side, they looked like used couches, but you couldn’t tell whether the coffeehouse bought them like that or if they had used them for a long time. Some would call the design of the coffeehouse ‘modern’, while others would call the same design ‘chaotic’. In the center there was a computer connected to the Internet for customers to use. Many coffeehouses had similar setups, and this particular set up in ‘JAC’ was nothing unusual. Right next to the computer was there a single seater red couch, and that was where Mary Anne Rose sat.

[Earl]

Similar style to Bret Easton Ellis I thought. Hope the action picks up.

[SFB]

The word is still overused Ck. A_B's right, the story is set in a coffeehouse and once the reader is presented with this fact, it's no longer necessary to refer to it as such.

Other establishments of that ilk, etc?

[Ck]

Ok, how about.

In the corner of a run of the mill coffee house somewhere in New York, sat Mary Ann Rose

[A_B]

In the corner of a run of the mill coffee house somewhere in New York, sat Mary Ann Rose

Ooh, I like it. It sets the scene perfectly - grabs the reader by the balls and drags them into the story.

[SFB]

Sounds good to me Ck, you're a natural born storyteller!