This is one where I think..."Now why didn't I say this?"
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept...)
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During thisthree-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I hadnot previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek torectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you canhave some entertaining reading material as you while away the workingday smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in myspending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for yourtechnician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even moreannoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpfulwebsite...HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modemhad still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modemarrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hoursbetween about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I amstill waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on mymobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to avariety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highlyskilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someonewill call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someonewill call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knowswhether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to ananswer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will betransferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritatingScottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least athousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one ofthose crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don'tcare, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration'sin print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-
awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be moredisinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn'tanyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discoveredto my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a uselessshower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces ofdistended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beaconsof success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitlessinadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile andfoolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest thatyou cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me forthe services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed todeliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity anddisbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemusedrage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from mycats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt forboth you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have notbecome desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at thetime of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you didnot experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider themthe very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthlessemployees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, youirritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
No one's a match for me and my kettle.