Das Krapital

[Ben]

They've only gone and updated the world's ultimate swearing dictionary, the Magna Farta has been replaced by Das Krapital.

I've already ordered my copy on Amazon.

[Ben]

Some entries.

1. Adrian Chiles 1. n. prop. Cushion-faced former presenter of The One Show. 2. n. rhym. slang. Haemorrhoids.

2. Asburb n. Any housing estate which embraces a dissentient lifestyle.

3. Bag ladies’ period sim. Unpalatable. ‘Don’t buy Mrs Timpkin’s home made jam, vicar. I’ve tasted nicer bag ladies’ period.’

4. Beer monkey n. A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits in your mouth.

5. Boxing glove on a spring, like a sim. Descriptive of a noisomely miasmatic stoat. A stinky fanny. ‘I pulled down her pants and the stink hit me in the face like a boxing glove on a spring. And now over to Robert Peston for the latest developments from Wall Street.’

6. Bradford dishwashing n. Pissing in the sink.

7. Clacker whacker n. Any hand-held, anatomically-formed object used by a woman to relieve stress. A neck massager.

8. Cornish internet n. Ceefax, teletext. The skinternet.

9. Dipping a worm in a bucket v. Engaging in unsatisfying sexual congress. The last hot dog in the tin.

10. Dutch afterburner n. The romantic act of having your girlfriend fart in your mouth, then blowing it up her nose. That’s going to take some arranging.

11. Leave negative feedback v. To fart and walk away.

12. Man meringue n. A light, crumbly nest of dried milm found on the inside of a gentleman’s well-worn Bill Grundies.

13. Manshake n. A vigorous three-minute greeting for one’s best friend.

14. Perv windows n. Sunglasses.

15. Reedle v. To piss through an awkward opening or inconvenient gap, eg. Between the flaps of a tent, out of a partially opened Velux window, through Esther Rantzen’s letterbox.

16. Relaxed her fitness regime, she has euph. Of a svelte lady who has got married and evidently found the key to the pie cupboard. ‘I see that Claire out of off of Steps has relaxed her fitness regime, then.’

17. Roy Walker moment n. A satisfying but morally dubious sexual encounter, eg. With a friend’s wife or a woman old enough to be one’s mother. Or a friend’s mother. From the Catchphrase personality-vacuum’s TV catchphrase “it’s good, but it’s not right”.

18. She could shit on my chest and slap it with a cricket bat exclam. A romantic young man’s declaration of his deep, undying love for the new girl in his life. ‘Did my heart love ’till now? Forswear its sight. For I never saw true beauty ’till this night. ‘Tis Juliet, and if she’s not my true love I wouldst eat my hat. She could shit on my chest and slap it with a cricket bat.‘ (from Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare).

19. Three dick gob n. A capacious mouth. ‘The next record is You’re So Vain by Carly Simon, the lady with the three dick gob. And it’s for Terry, who is seven today. Lots of love from mummy, daddy, nana and granpa Johnson and nana Robins.’ (Ed “Stewpot” Stewart, Radio 1 Junior Choice, 1974).

20. Tramp’s oyster n. A hockled-up sheckle on the pavement; a salty al fresco delicacy blessed with very few, if any, aphrodisiac properties. Also tramp’s breakfast, docker’s omelette, greb, greeny, prairie oyster, gold watch, Dutch pikelet or Old Leigh oyster.

21. Two page Charlie n. The literary equivalent of a two push Charlie. An overexcited one-handed reader who foolishly doesn’t take the opportunity to peruse his new art pamphlet in a leisurely manner before squirting his curd.

22. Ugly as a Thai stripper’s scrotum sim. Graphic metaphor, descriptive of that moment when something which seems to be going along swimmingly suddenly takes a distinctly unpleasant turn. ‘Senna’s lap looked perfect until he ran wide into the Tamburello Curve, when things turned as ugly as a Thai stripper’s scrotum.’

23. Up and over like a pan of milk euph. Descriptive of a gentleman who is so good at sex that he can ejaculate before he’s even got his pants off.

24, Widow’s memories n. Penis-shaped sausages, cucumbers etc. Indeed, anything vaguely cylindrical in a supermarket which is fingered nostalgically by old ladies.

25. Zuffle v. To wipe one’s charlie clean on the curtains after having a bang, usually in a posh bird’s house, ie. One that has curtains. To fly the flag.

[Ck]

@ Beer monkey