The Oldies

[anancientrace]

The Oldies awards were presented yesterday and the Reverend Iain Paisley won the main award but my eye was taken by the winner of the Oldie refusenik of the year.

I am sure I remember Dame Eileen Atkin's telling the tale (against herself) of Colin Feral - I mean Farrell hitting on her and it still holds currency.



The way I imagine Colin Farrell himself would sell it is on hearing the women of the world who haven't enjoyed his favours have an annual get together and in good spirits Mr Farrell would hire the new Wembley Sports Stadium for the event one year. That year only two women turn up and after half an hour of waiting for more of the increasingly rare sisterhood - one of the women feeling the need to speak -so she yells across the deserted pitch "Well I am a man hating lesbian - so I suppose you are the famous actress Dame Eileen Atkins?"

Here the punchline may differ. If Dame Eileen told it - there would be a long pause and she would reply to the other woman sadly "No I am the poor sad woman who turned the famous Colin Farrell away from his quick daily rug!"

Colin might smirk and the punchline would be "No, I am Mrs Colin Farrell!"

So the two oldie awards - one to an Irish man who closed his eyes and thought of Northern Ireland and said "yes" to power sharing - the other, Dame Eileen Atkins had a bit of shuteye after saying "NO!" to an Irishman who only thought of himself!"

What rankles is why my wife wasn't in that albeit mythical Stadium story? As I keep saying - that thought is going to rankle.

"evening all!"

Dixon of Dock Green. How old was he when he retired? And he essentially died - Dirked Bogarde to death - in the Blue Lamp too!

Colin Farrell - after the Dame Eileen incident - aka Green Dick of docked some - (No offence, Mr Farrell - )

No offence? Do I owe Annabelle Weir (or whoever) any royalties yet? I am going to have to be offensive soon!

[anancientrace]

I looked through my Oldies wardrobe and discovered my "Holier than thou" tee shirt. I tend not to wear it - pongs a bit - of hypocrisy

But looking at the role models Britain has nowadays - open todays papers - and I sigh. Role models were called for from all areas awhile back. The Roll () models we have - I can see why.



So that mythical Wembley Stadium emptied but was opened a few weeks later for another event. It was fairly well packed - when the Emcee announced - "We are about to be rude about 2012 and the current Mayor of London and would ask all those secret offspring to leave for a short while"

The stadium empties visibly and in fact there was only one man left and several women. The man had scored already and was going in for another shot.

But the Emcee's stern voice halted the man in his - er - tracks.

"Mr Farrell, er Colin - you have heard of incest haven't you? Now the rest of you leave before he does it again!"

Spot the difference = Fen Chefs ID to Peter

Peters kin whoops - lineage to bad Inn

[anancientrace]

"You cannot say that Humph" I yell.

At my radio when BBCs "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" Humphrey Lyttleton is chairing the show.

Mr Lyttleton - a jazz man par excellence I am told. I do not do jazz but I can well believe it. But this radio show thanks of course to some tremendous writers who mostly take part in the fun too has got better and better over the decades.

What Hump cannot say but often does is sexual innuendoes which of course come out with total innocence - from him but can be construed as utterly filthly.

I can almost see saintly "Samantha" by his side blush and it is not just from the "old age creeping on". And Lionel Blair has been a trouper too. His name has been misused forever.

Humph I gauge is an oldie but he perhaps inhabits a "C(o)untree For Old Men". An age where you can say anything.

I do not yet but honest - I can see it far off and I am approaching it.

The Burkiss Way led to The Titmuss Way (allegedly) and she's the kind of a girl that makes the News Of The World And my Finnish friend constantly playing Rubber Soul.

The Kind offer girls that make the News of the World - allegedly. I cannot say it right but I bet Humph would.

Abbie Rode - allegedly - several time. Here Comes the Sun king. Come Together Right now! Over Me! She Came Into the Bathroom Window (some trick that ) - You Never give me your Money and Maxwell silver tongued Emcee Hammer seeing if the newspapers "Can't Touch This!" regarding his client. Something in the way he moos! and in The End the love you give

So as I cannot say it right - I should hire myself a mouthpiece perhaps. Hearing from Mr Al Fayed's one this morning - Ms Witty is it? Not funny at all. I still haven't a clue what that "oldie" is on about - married to a Finn too is he?

Subject: getting a great mortgage deal
Anagram: tailgate rage - gagged torment

Good grief. Mr Al Fayed has eased up a fraction. Wonders and never ceasing comes to mind.

Now Heather and Paul - shake hands - not necks!

[Ernest Rants]

Humphrey Lyttleton is god

[anancientrace]

Originally Posted by Ernest Rants

Humphrey Lyttleton is god

Well a God you as his carer can yell at. Barry Cryer normally "We'll be going out this afternoon! OK?"

Humph - he is a treasure indeed. I keep being yelled at too.

The 19th of this month is an important date I am told (I have been told dates before but all false) but do not care.

I am ignoring my carers from now on. They had their chances - endless chances. So now the fun starts.

Subject: British journalist freed in Iraq
Anagram: Queen harridan jilts Sir - Bio rift

Subject: sergeant jarvis reeves junior
Anagram: Just in - Son rage - Seer verve - I jar

Subject: fuel shortages warning over strikes
Anagram: Inn Silk gags - Fears hero rewove - trust
I should care?

[anancientrace]

At the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918

Armistice Day - 90 years ago.

My foster mum had a wonderful network of friends and this young Oldie didn't appreciate them at the time . Ah that young whipper snapper.

But I was thinking as I woke up of a literally old soldier (A Major I seem to recall) and his wife who briefly cared for me when school exams were in the offing. It was coming back from a placement with them that I run into what became known as "Suss" - right outside my foster home. Embarrassment doesn't do it justice but hey.

The Major - was a lover of good films I think. I saw "Seven Samurai" there for the first time - and recall thinking Toshiro Mifune must be playing the "Chris" role taken by "Yul Brynner" in the later re-make.

Wrong!

Spoiler:

Mifune is the hothead and didn't he die?

No racism but that new Chinese influenced thing "Monkey" brought my carer to mind. Monkey - magic! Any one remember The Water Margin. Was that Chinese or Japanese? Anyway - pass the watershed.

The Major had that famous arched back Marilyn Monroe image on his wall!

Wow. I didn't mind my life there whilst in her presence. And that book "Goodbye Piccadilly Farewell Leicester Square" and Doctor No. Honey Ryder - she covers her and her broken nose, Ursula - you did it wrong in the film. You should have Andressed Moor!

And presumably the Major didn't mind the young rebellious me.

My point- open mindedness. Thank you Sir and Madame.

From someone who should have thanked you properly back then.

And Pop, former soldier and Uncle Bob - the civilian arm.

Old Soldiers, male and female, late or still with us are to be respected and they all have mine. unstintingly!

[timey]

The Water Margin was Chinese.

[anancientrace]

Originally Posted by timey

The Water Margin was Chinese.

Thanks, timey.

It was terrific - back in the day. I suspect it would look stilted now.

[anancientrace]

http://www.finlandia.ch/doc/fi/suomi...es/aapinen.jpg

Kultainen Aapinen. Forgive the language but it is not a secret but for me it effectively means Golden Squirrel. An internal family joke.

As the missus told me that Robert Peston was giving a talk supporting a book written on "who really runs Britain" - I didn't have time to look at her face. I suspect it would have worn that Secret smile, only for me

.........and Martin Shaw and Nicholas of Campbell etc

But I suspect she would have told Robert Peston who to say ran Britain - at least her part - me. It wouldn't be true of course.

Commanders in Chiefs like chefs - After Long Goodbyes - do that you know?

Everyday

That second man named Charles Bronson* - allegedly the most dangerous person in Great Britain? Please!

That scene in The West Wing where Jed Bartlet runs around the women in the room and points out their merits - I see one of the actress now in Nine Tree Elms is it? Moira Kelly. Mrs Lanningham, Margaret, Donna, CJ, etc etc.

They like Abbie Barlet and the Congressperson Andies of this world ran the fictional White House USA and if men had any sense - the real world.

Gentle dictatorship I would call it - everso gentle and you would think the world would be more appreciative than it is!

* The most dangerous person in my Great Britain isn't even a man, let alone that man!

Shy One Horse says - "You bought two too many!"

[anancientrace]

These proceedings are closed!

Unlike Madonna and Guy Ritchie I attended my divorce from someone at the same place I married Ms Finland.

I told the other party's legal team about Finland and yesterday Norway but did they listen?

Glöggi + Allsorts and children. Yup Suomi played a blinder - under cohersion I suspect. I absolve them of all responsibility for the continued silliness.

Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy came to mind - not because of Petra Fjord (all lit up she was - Spruce - lovely crinkly bit - Richard Vernon - no offence Ms Norway) but that planning permission to demolish the Earth was so well hidden from possible protest from us Earthlings. Buried in a locked drawer somewhere, wasn't it?

Anyway "I'm weak" - Mallory

"I think I stole that from "Camelot" - Sam Seaborne

How to handle a woman

"Ask your friend whether they put alcohol in their (Norwegian) glöggi?" Glöggi is mulled wine - hot.

Now that one line shows how to handle a misbehaving spouse. Fairly innocuous - no? But it sucks on several levels to those in the know.

Speak to her again and you may as well lay yourself over the grill we are heading towards - dead meat! You cannot affjord her or the glöggi I am NOT going to buy you now.

Ah me. Aint love wonderful?

MacArthur's Parked is melting in the dark still!

Allsorts - I said Bertie Bassett but think Fred Bassett = hounded and glöggi or in proper Finnish/English misuse gloggi? Log gig anyone? The refuse van said it all in the Germany language "Hail" - one hell of a ball.